Rock Bottom Recovery | Holly Heiser

September 12, 2015. I walk into First Step Recovery. I think to myself, “This will go one of two ways: I tell the truth, or I lie my way out like I’ve done every time before. Every time before, I’ve said, ‘Look at me. I can’t have a drinking problem.'”
 
I sit down, fill out the questionnaire, and they call me back into the counselor’s office.
 
I’m shaking when she asks me to blow into the breathalyzer. “You got this,” I think. “You haven’t had a drink yet. You’re good.” She asks me why I’m there. My normal response was that my family thought I had a drinking problem, but my answer was different that day. 
 
“I’m going to lose everything and die if you can’t help me.”
 
I tell her everything.
 
I wake up shaking. I need to drink to become normal. I throw up because my stomach is so raw from the vodka when I do.
 
I have alcohol hidden in so many places in my house I’ve lost track. Sometimes I want to drink, and I don’t remember where I just put it.
 
My husband, Chris, has taken all my money, so I don’t buy alcohol. If I don’t get better, he will get custody of our son, Pax. My marriage is almost over. The trust is gone.
 
My lies are old news, jokes to Chris. He is going crazy trying to understand me and keeps asking, “Why can’t you just stop?”
 
He doesn’t trust me, and I don’t trust me. It feels like my thoughts control me. I am afraid that I will head straight to the liquor store if I leave the house alone. So I bury my head in my pillow, trying to get them to go away. 
 
Sitting in her office sobbing, I finally ask the nurse, “Isn’t there something for the voices in my head? Something to make them stop? They are ruining my life.” 
 
I was in treatment from 4:30 pm – 9 pm, four days a week. Day by day, it got better. Every day was hard. It was hard hearing everyone’s stories, and it was hard to tell my own.
 
The worst was when Chris read his letter about how my disease impacted him. Every word was painful. I had done things I didn’t even know I did. Chris’s letter began, 

Holly,

I am writing this letter to show how much I love you and how proud I am for all the hard work you are doing in your recovery. Your determination is above and beyond what I even expected.

The time since you have entered treatment has shown me the person that I remember. You laugh at my jokes again, you smile more, you are a happier person and above all, you are getting the tools you need to be successful with your recovery.
Rock Bottom Recovery | Holly Heiser | It's so hard to admit you have a problem, even when it's coming from the people that know you best. This is Holly and her husband Chris and it wasn't until Holly listened to her husbands victim impact letter that things really started to come into perspective. Her husband was describing a monster and she sat there, in a room with complete strangers and listen because the monster he was describing was her.

He gave examples of how my drinking affected our marriage, our finances, and our son.

A week before we were to get married, I was picked up for driving under the influence (DUI). My blood alcohol content was so high that the police confiscated our vehicle and charged me with a double DUI.

I spent almost a month in jail, just months after we were married. And I manipulated him into not telling my family and covering it up as if nothing had happened. If his family hadn’t helped us out financially, we would have lost our house. And I never thanked them for that.

For years he knew I was hiding my drinking. It interfered with his job because he didn’t want to leave town knowing I was drinking and home alone with our son.

The stress of hiding my problem was starting to get to Chris emotionally. His family noticed my drinking, but he always protected me and said I was getting better.

He wrote about when he’d have a hunch that I was drinking, and I would call him an asshole for the accusation. I called him psychotic when he looked for my stashes of bottles. Then, I turned it around and made him the problem. When I convinced my family that it was his fault, he felt betrayed and angry.

Then he wrote about this:

You said you were going to take Pax to the store with you.

I had a gut feeling that you were going to the liquor store so I followed you. I saw you walk into the liquor store with Pax and I walked in.
 
You were in line to buy a bottle. I will not forget the look on your face when I walked in. You knew you were caught red-handed.
 
I took Pax out to the car and waited. I thought you would just follow me out but you went ahead and bought the bottle anyway. I don’t know what I felt emotionally at that point. Your drinking was starting to make me numb to the actions you took.

He wrote about the time I was drinking, we fought, and I took Pax and drove to a hotel. He threatened to call the police but instead went to the hotel himself. 

There you were walking in. You said that I needed to figure out what I wanted and needed to learn to trust you. Looking back I should have followed through with my threats instead of letting you slide.

He wrote about all the times we fought in front of Pax. It happened so often that he would ask if I was drinking even though he didn’t know what it meant. He only knew that “drinking” meant fighting. 

Chris wrote about wanting a divorce and even consulting an attorney to see his options. But he worried that if we did get divorced, my problem would consume me, and I would die. He knew he couldn’t live with himself if that happened, so he kept believing me when I said I would stop. Soon we were back to having the same fights.
 
He ended by writing,
It was a vicious cycle that I will never do again.

Holly, you are a smart, loving, caring, and dependable person when you are not drinking. I am starting to forgive some of your actions because I know you didn’t have the power to control them then.

You do now. Please continue to make strides in your recovery so we can be a healthy and happy family.
 
-Chris
Rock Bottom Recovery | Holly Heiser | It's been 5 years since Holly's last use and her family is together and stronger than ever. They are happy, today, but it wasn't always that way. Holly's drinking took a toll on the whole family and she was using manipulation to turn her family on Chris, her husband, to take the attention off the real problem, her.
 
In a room with strangers, we all listened to my husband describe this monster of a person. That monster was me. Two DUIs, jail, taking my baby into liquor stores. Lies upon lies. I was hurting everyone I loved.
 
Something changed in me that day.
 
I let go of my demons that day, and I felt a deep healing release. Finally, a weight was lifted, and my life got simpler.
 
I was no longer planning how I would get money, which liquor store I’d go to or how I’d sneak alcohol into the house. I wasn’t planning where the latest hiding spot would be and if I had used it before.
 
Is it easy? No.
 
Do I ever want to drink? No, not really.
 
Have I relapsed? Gratefully no. I am lucky sobriety for me came when I needed it most, and I was ready.
 
If you want to get sober, you have to be ready to do it. People can beg and plead with you, but you have to be ready.
 
On September 12, 2015, I was ready. I was tired and defeated. I couldn’t go on living that way anymore. The disease had worn me down. The disease won. Or did it?
 
My life is what I thought it could be. I am happy.
 
Rock Bottom Recovery | Holly Heiser | September 12th, 2015 is the day Holly got her life back and it's also the day that Pax got his mom back. Addiction is an evil spirit that will suck the life out of you and help you do unthinkable things. Holly isn't proud of the person she was but that person is gone today and with continued hard work, hopefully will never be back.
 
I enjoy waking up, not feeling sick, and always tired. I like knowing what I did and said the night before. I like being in the present.
 
Did I ever think I would be writing something like this? Never.
 
Would I change the past? I don’t think I would. 
 
I’m about to be 5 years sober, which feels like a win. 
 
 
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Brenda Jo Gillund

So beautiful. Thank you for sharing your experience! Enjoy all the moments with the ones you love, the ones that are loving you through your one day at a time recovery!