The Best Cheesecake Recipe | Noah Bergland

cheesecake Resilience2reform

So I have something special for you guys today, it’s prison cheesecakes. The topic came up during my visit with the construction2style team and I have been meaning to put some prison cookbook recipes out, but sometimes they are hard to come by.

Most people are very protective about the information and are not very willing to share it here in prison. Some of these people rely on whatever they make to survive as their side hustle might depend on it since most who have read my posts, jobs in prison don’t pay the highest.

So, just the other day I realized someone who made cheesecakes over the years was getting ready to go home so I decided to ask him if he would be willing to walk me through the process so I could share with the blog. The ingredients needed are as below and can be found at most your nearest prison commissary or canteen:

(1) 5-6 oz yogurt
(1/2) lb. of vanilla wafers
-optional crusts: honey buns, pop tarts, donuts or donut sticks, brownies!
(2) tablespoons of sugar
(4) tablespoons of lime
(2) bags (8 oz) of creamer
(4) 1 oz cream cheese packets
(1) trash bag
(1) disposable razor
(1) roll of dental floss
(1) roll of toilet paper
(2) large plastic bowls
(1) yellow plastic tablespoon
(1) yellow plastic fork
(1) yellow plastic knife
(1) mop bucket

You are probably wondering why you would need a trash bag, a disposable razor, dental floss, and toilet paper. The razor is used to cut the trash bag, it’s basically the only sharp object we can get our hands-on. So once the razor is dismantled use it to cut the bag and then throw it away because it’s not something you want to leave lying around or stashed in your cube, because if someone cuts themselves with it, you will be held liable. As for the dental floss and toilet paper, you will have to find out later in the post.

The trash bag is cut and used for two different things, it is placed in the bowl in which you will be making the cheese and you want to leave a little plastic hanging over the edges of the bowl, so once the cheesecake is ready to eat you can use the plastic to take it out of the bowl and cut it into slices. The second use is for storing the cheesecake in the ice where it will setup, firm, and eventually, be ready to consume. Another warning is knowing which officer is on duty because some will write you a shot or incident report for simply possessing and using a trash bag for purposes other than putting trash in it.

Next, crush up the wafers in the original packaging and then dump half of the contents into one of the plastic bowls that have your plastic liner in it, add 4 spoons of water and form the crust along the bottom and sides of the bowl. If you want to be creative here you can use some of the above options and in that case, you will not need to add any water, just smash the pastry of your choice into the bottom, or use in addition to the wafers.

In a separate bowl, add the sugar and lime, and take your yellow plastic and start to whip it, once the sugar and lime are mixed together add the cream cheese packets, yogurt, and then finally the 20 lbs of creamer, I mean 2 lbs. We joke about how much creamer and how little cream cheese is used in these pies, and some refer to them as creamer pies because some don’t contain any cream cheese.

Once you have whipped the ingredients for about 3 minutes and it has reached the desired firmness, which should be pretty solid, add the contents to the bowl with the prepared crust and level the top of using your yellow plastic spoon. Place the plastic top on the bowl and get ready to store it.

Next, find a mop bucket and put your trash bag in the bucket, and fill it with ice. Don’t worry if you empty the ice machines and everybody is pissed at you, they will get over it when they taste how good your cheesecake is. The trash bag is the number one defense between your cheesecakes and the urine, feces, and semen that was possibly mopped up at a previous time, so make sure to check for leaks in your trash bag. Add the cheesecake bowl to the garbage bag of ice, find a good hiding spot so your cheesecakes aren’t confiscated, and chill for 3 hours.

Once they are ready, pull the cheesecake bowl out of the ice. Use the overhanging edges of the plastic bag to take the cheesecake out of the plastic bowl. Then take your dental floss and unwind about 2 feet of floss and wrap it around your fingers just like you are about to floss but instead use it to cut the cheesecake and make your 4 cuts. It should cut clean all the way through to the bottom, once the final cut is made you may need to use your yellow plastic knife to finish the cuts off. Finally, unroll approximately 12 squares of toilet paper and serve to your homeboys or homegirls. Enjoy!

Thanks for listening!


The Process By Noah Bergland and Dennis Cockerham

Ruining Lives Other Than My Own | by Noah

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