I Can Have It All, But I Can’t Have That | Noah Bergland

Hey everyone! I recently heard a quote that really put things in perspective for me and I wanted to share it with you.

By not doing this one thing, I can have everything else.

In other words, I Can Have It All, But I Can’t Have That. 

The topic, was, why we chose to continue to use drugs. Later that night, the thought kept racing through my mind, and I knew I wouldn’t rest until I wrote it down.

Why I originally used weed or alcohol in my teenage years, where precisely for the same reasons I continued to use cocaine and meth years later. I thought it was to have fun, but I know now that’s just what I told myself.

My drug use was rooted in pain. The same deep-rooted pain, emotions, or insecurities might have still been there but I continued because I thought I enjoyed it. I finally found something that made me happy or at least I thought that is what I found.

I thought drugs were awesome and I thought everything I did while I was on them, elevated me to a whole other level. Golf is more fun, sex is more enjoyable, hell, just sitting around seems like the best thing in the world sometimes. I was awesome at doing drugs, or at least that is what I had convinced myself.

But eventually, my world started to fall apart. A few things that are not better on drugs are physical health, mental state, and work. After a few months of heavy use, these aspects of my life started to disintegrate. Then healthy relationships followed suit. Whether I pushed them away or they decide I wasn’t worth being around, these relationships disappeared. The only ones left are the people you are doing drugs with. The worst part is, when all this is occurring, the drugs were tricking my brain into thinking that something else was the cause.

Before I knew it I couldn’t afford rent. I no longer talked to my family. I didn’t have a job, and my bills were piling up.

Eventually, the high wears off, its time to eat, and go to sleep. Then I wake up to reality and I realize I have nothing. From there I have two options, stay clean and face reality or get high and put my problems off for a few more days. I always got high.

So why did I choose to give my life up to these drugs? When they continued to leave me with nothing.

It’s because the problem wasn’t the drugs, the problem was me, and until I face the reason why I use the drugs, I will continue to relapse, and the cycle will continue.

So for me, I am staying involved within recovery. After I finished treatment, I immediately made a commitment to start going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, twice a week, where there is a good group of people who will listen to my struggles and share theirs with me as well.

Today I’m choosing not to mask my problems, instead, I’m talking about them, sharing them, and working a program that has helped me to overcome them.

This blog is also helping me tremendously, it’s keeping the topics fresh in my head, and it’s allowing me to express myself. On top of that, it’s allowing others to learn from my experience. It has taught me what’s important in life.

Now that I’m away from the drugs and thinking clearly, I realize my buddy is right. All I have to do is not use drugs and I can have everything else. A good job, healthy relationships, daughter that loves me, and health and happiness.

These last six years in prison have provided enough evidence. In regards to both consequences and what I’m capable of doing with a clear head.

So when I get out, all I have to do is keep working a program, and don’t use drugs. It just seems so simple, but those of us who have been there, know how far from that truth it truly is.

Thanks for listening!

Noah

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