In early life
Most of us were capable
Of joy and wonder
Of giving and receiving
Unconditional love
My early life
It had these things too
I am sure
But
It is not these things
That I remember
Before drugs Before using
I recall a warped pattern
Of living and learning
The best mimic of this pattern
This confusion
This abuse
A’ knock-off ‘ replica
Of the pain and misunderstanding
Yet
A reason why
A way of comprehension
When I used This happened
This Happened When I used
This was not me escaping
This was me re-creating
The familiar
The predisposition.
The addiction isn’t the DRUG,
The addiction is the CYCLE.
Right or Wrong,
I was PUNISHED.
The Punishment was expected.
The end result of ALL THINGS.
It was NORMAL.
Put it off, but anticipate it,
Hate it, but reach for it.
Relief not seen in the “over,”
It was never OVER.
Relief was in the after…
YES.
But more of in-between
Until next time.
This I was taught
This I learned
This I lived
This is what I live.
Over and Over
With relationships
With drugs
With incarceration
Living in the PUNISHMENT.
In the Punishment
I find familiar
Everything else
It’s just in-between.
Relief until next time.
NEXT TIME
When the power of being the BOSS,
Brings that overwhelming sense of Burden and Responsibility.
NEXT TIME
When the arousal of SEX and PORN
Blur the differences between WHORE and WIFE
NEXT TIME
When the intoxication of the DRUGS
Finishes the destruction of my LIFE
AND NEXT TIME
When the emotional desperation of the CRIME
Brings me back to INCARCERATION.
The TRUTH of my ADDICTION
It is found in SELF-AFFLICTION.
Continuously repeating the PATTERN
The cycle TAUGHT…
“PREDISPOSITION”
Being Authentic | Noah Bergland
Up in Smoke | Dennis Cockerham
